"Thanks to the 'parking tango' and the 'photocopying waltz' I'm not ready yet. Give me five minutes."~Russell Potter
"I think it's sad how no one knows different parts of speech anymore. I mean, you could have the following conversation with the average person:
'What's a pronoun?' 'A noun that gets paid.' 'What's a synonym?' 'It's a kind of roll.' 'What's a homonym?' 'A gay nym.'Really people! Study grammar."~Russell Potter
"English is that type of language that when you're learning about it you have to do things twice. Do things twice."~Russell Potter
"I have this friend from northern Georgia who says 'You've got a wild hare up your ass.' Now, if you're not from northern Georgia that conjurs all sorts of perverted images..."~Russell Potter
"I used to practice Latin when I was young. I thought it sounded like magical incantations. One day my parents were like, 'Why do you practice Latin?' and I said, 'Maybe one day I'll be a magician and I'll need it to perform incantations,' and my parents were all 'You don't need Latin to be a magician.' And I was like, 'Oh.'"~Russell Potter
"If they don't let you in, let me know. I'll go down there and rough 'em up."~Russell Potter, on not being allowed into the Brown library
"This is what I love about the word oil in America: is it a monothong? Dipthong? Tripthong? Take your pick!"~Russell Potter
"We don't want English to become a dead language. There's something so...lifeless about dead languages."~Russell Potter
"That's the most irregular verb I've ever seen!"~Russell Potter
"Greek and Latin are so intimidating. Take doctors for example. They're like, 'I'm sorry. You have microsomia.' That actually means little body. 'Oh, no! I'm shrinking!' But it sounds scary."~Russell Potter
"Zip up your sentence. Your modifier's dangling."~I don't remember who said this, but they ARE words to live by.
"You know, bagpipes were originally used in battle to scare the enemy, and I think it's funny when they are played at weddings. I always wonder which family the bride and groom are trying to scare."~Dr. Maureen Reddy, on the original use of bagpipes
"Bagpipes, even played well, are bad. They make you want to get up, kill people and put their heads up on stakes." (silence from class) "What? That's what my people did!"~Dr. Maureen Reddy
"I guess if you're letting Ozzy Osbourne touch you, a dog's intervention doesn't hurt."~Dr. Maureen Reddy, discussing how on the TV show The Osbournes, Ozzy allows his dogs to lick all over his face, and then proceeds to makeout with his wife.
"The show is a real self-esteem booster. I come home and my dogs are sitting in the window barking and I think 'hey, at least they aren't shitting all over the floor.'"~Dr. Maureen Reddy, more on The Osbournes
"It's very bricky."~Dean Richard Weiner, discussing Islington, a subsection of London
"I'm not going to walk up to John Nazarian this afternoon and be like 'What the fuck, John?! My students are hot!' He doesn't care. Plus, I don't want to lose my job."~Dr. Feldstein
"I used to go to this Jewish camp. It was called Camp Shalom."~Dr. Feldstein
"I don't know the facts about elephant sex."~Dr. Feldstein
"Wow, Nicole. That wasn't even subtle at all."~Dr. Springer
"You can't say that your God is the only God because what would that mean for people of other religions? OK, so you're Jewish. The Chinese, Italian, and French, for example, would all be in Hell because they're not Jewish. And you know, if they're in Hell, I want to be in Hell, too, because that's where all the good food is."~Dr. Feldstein
"She's a super-white white woman."~Dr. Springer
"Ella escaping through the craphole is kind of like a reversed birth. Think about it. It's small. It's tight. It's dirty."~Dr. Mitchell, on Just Ella
"It's like those people who are having sex but can't stop thinking about what happened at the office. I'm like, 'stop. Just have sex and STOP thinking.'"~Dr. Feldstein
"What is having a baby like? Well, have you ever tried to shit out a piano?"~Dr. Mitchell
"It's one of those words that isn't a real word, but it carries so much meaning!" Dr. Springer, on one of Lisa's made-up words
"When I was growing up I never wanted to be Maid Marion. Bull shit! Robin Hood is the star and everyone knows it!"~Dr. Mitchell
"It's about African-American, black, people of color stuff."~Professor Bogad
"Seventh grade we did, uh...we did...what's it called? Uh...the Scrooge one. Um, you know...Dickens?"~Dr. Mitchell
"Better a well-thumbed Playboy than an unopened Silas Marner."~Dr. Mitchell, on reading anything you can
"Racism often travels in gangs, accompanied by its buddies sexism, classism, and homophobia."~article on 'Unthinking Eurocentrism' for my Film and Rep. class
"It's like getting Jesus up to the top of the hill, and then saying, 'Oops! We forgot the nails. Everybody go home.'"~Dr. Mitchell, on 'God out of a Machine' endings
"This shot starts off with a line of the African natives rumps. But really, are you gonna be like, 'Oop! Let's show the white ladies ass?!'"~Dr. Springer, on Zulu
"So, in honor of that student, I like to call this 'The Prick Rule.'"~Dr. Feldstein
"About tests: I think that they're a sadistic ritual, and I refuse to participate. And that's a principle."~Dr. Feldstein
"As we know-from our vast knowledge of the literary world-the most intimate of acts occur in the dark. I say 'from our vast knowledge of the literary world' because I know that each and every person in this room is a virgin."~Dr. Scott, being sarcastic
"It's like when you uncover old journals or something and Saturday night after Saturday night is filled with entries of 'lonely, so lonely.'"~Dr. Scott
"You know how when you have to much too much to drink, and the next day you hear people sharing stories of how you got up and danced without your shirt on? You know?! Oh my God! You don't know! That was SUCH an overshare, wasn't it?"~Dr. Scott
"Oh, crap! Now I'm completely out of fluid."~Dr. Elam, on his markers
"He got off on it...maybe I should put that another way."~Hoja
"God is as close to you as your neck vein."~Hoja
"It's right here...near the butt of the Nile."~Hoja
"Kerri, you shouldn't be so concerned about Chem. You're an English major, aren't you? You'll never need this crap again."~Dr. Magyar, on always trying your best
"The A-flat harmonic minor is the bastard of scales--no one knows where it comes from."~Dr. Elam
"The Arabs and the Muslims bred the two kinds of camels together and got what I like to call the 'super one-humped camel.'"~Hoja Thomas
"It's the kind of car where, if I go over a bump and hear metal, I just assume something fell off."~Dr. Scott, on his 1987 Volvo
"Someone almost ran me over this morning. I'm assuming it was one of my students because they waved...plus there IS always the temptation: 'maybe if I run him over class will be cancelled.' I can appreciate that."~Dr. Scott
"He corrected one of my spelled-bad words."~Dr. Reyland, on misspelling and misspeaking
"I stuck mine in a couple of weeks ago and looked at it."~Dr. Magyar
"Achebe is brave. Another author would have portrayed Okonkwo like one of the Bradys: 'Okonkwo was in his hut stroking a puppy when...' something terrible happened."~Dr. Scott, on Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart
"I'm in the good!"~Dave Thomas
"Don't try to be spiffy in the lab."~Dr. Magyar
"Yams are such a man's fruit...or vegetable. Whatever they are, they're for men."~Dr. Scott
Teacher 1: Who was that kid? He was cute!Teacher 2: He used to be cuter...I had him in one of my classes last year.
Teacher 3(thinking out loud): Maybe he needs...
Teacher 1: A good lay? Yeah, send him to my classroom and I'll give him what he needs.
Teacher 4: Nice in front of Kerri. Let's hope she forgets about that before she GRADUATES!!
Teacher 1: Kerri's a STUDENT?! Oh, shit! She's always in here, so I just assumed she was, like, some new teacher I didn't know about! Shit! I don't really want to have sex with your friend...shit! I was joking, and, oh, shit...
***So, obviously teacher 1 thought I was a sub and was joking about an attractive student, which the other teachers freaked out about because I was, in fact, still a student. You get the dirt when you kiss ass, people!
"Acid reflux is--now I'm not no expert, but..."~Dr. Conklin, demonstrating why she has a PhD in Biology and not in English
"Maybe I should write a mystery about that: somebody dies because somebody else makes an electrolyte cell. Now THAT'S interesting."~Dr. L
"Whoa! Hey! Speaking of star-crossed lovers, 'Romeo and Juliet' is going to be on TV this weekend. Cool, huh? Screw Easter, it's Shakespeare!...Am I talking to myself here? 'Romeo and Juliet'...you know, with Leo and what's her name? The young girl. Anyway, people...'ROmeO and JUlieT...'"~Dr. Grund
"Hitler was a big, fat liar!"~Dave*
"Thus, we actually ARE what we eat. A truer statement was never made. Knowledge is power, people."~Dr. Conklin
I'm guessing they had a very satisfying love relationship. WILD...I'm talking really SAVAGE!"~Dave
"Kane's father is what we would call, in technical terms...who knows? Nope, not a villian...not the antagonist...the man is a bastard."~Professor Rothstein, on 'Citizen Kane'
"When you drink more alcohol than your liver can detoxify your body's like, 'time to get drunk!'~Dr. Conklin
"Please don't use firecrackers to scare away racoons, and please don't throw them under your house."~Dr. L, with one of those life lessons
Dave: Raise your hand if you DON'T have access to a computer. (no one raises a hand) Alright, Kerri, if it's just you...Kerri: Um, I have a computer.
"About this Oedipus guy: so you get this prophecy that says you're going to murder your father and marry your mother. Seems to me that you would lay off on the killing people thing for a while, and you DON'T marry someone old enough to be your mother. It's not rocket science."~Dr. Grund
"Constipation is exciting. Well, not to have...but is IS dang fascinating to learn about!"~Dr. Conklin
"You know, when you get to be a certain age, you run out of excuses, and that's why I have a baby."~Dave, on being a good father
"Let's dope up the cow with morphine!"~Joe*
"I wish I had Hitler's talent."~Dave
"Did you have someone write this paper for you? Because, you know, that's not allowed."~Dr. Benson to Kerri, on why someone with her "obviously limited intellect" couldn't have written an 'A' paper without cheating
"Early Head Start is a program called...Early Head Start."~Dr. Reyland
"After my ex-girlfriend's brother killed himself, she got kind of depressed, and it was bringing me down...so I bailed on her!"~Dave
"This movie is not about Phyllis being a femme fatale, it's about Walter thinking he's all that and a bag of chips."~Professor Rothstein, on 'Doube Indemnity'
"I never smoke...except at parties. You have to smoke at parties. Who wants to feel left out?"~Dave, on peer pressure
"What I noramlly do is talk to myself...and I do it out loud."~Dr. L, on arranging atoms
"I'm going to tell you something about yourself you didn't know. You are a donut...or a bagel. You are a big cinnamon-raisin bagel with a hole starting at your mouth and ending at your anus. Cream cheese THAT!"~Dr. Conklin, on the wonder that is the digestive system
"You guys should go out and get a beer to celebrate!"~Dr. Reyland, to Kerri and Lisa because they studied
"Anything to make us anti-social! Get us some haead phones and we're on our way!"~Dr. L, on rebeling against the norm
"Good writing is like a glass of cold water on a hot day."~Dr. Mitchell
"The scene is approaching impending doom...the dramatic climax of the play. But it's hard to focus on that because Torvald is so anxious to get to his own climax. That is to say, of course, that he's horny as hell. And that's damn distracting."~Dr. Grund, on 'A Doll's House'
"Pope on down!"~Spence*
"Right! It's like all the Russians are worker ants, and Stalin is the head ant...ordering them in and out of the anthill with tasks to perform."~Dave
"So this woman is running down the beach because she just stole this chess piece, and who does she pass? Herself, herself, herself...who else? Oh, yeah! Herself and herself. Well, not really herself, of course...all of these former images of herself...nevermind. It's crap."~Professor Rothstein, on 'At Land'
"I'm treating this little girl right now, and she's....well, scary is the word. I'm afraid she's going to kill me or something...she just gives me the heebes."~Dr. Reyland
"I don't have study questions prepared because I haven't read the book yet. So: Why don't I have study questions prepared? Right...because I haven't read the book. I haven't read the book yet, so the study questions aren't ready."~Dave, on setting a good example for his students
"You're not gonna take a battery and suck it like a lollipop."~Dr. L
"Funny story there. The weather man said it was going to be warm today. Naturally, I disbelieved him, and bundled up for the cold. Don't I look cool, though? By cool of course, I mean neat...like one of those guys who's so in-control that they don't even let the heat bother them? I like to think so."~Dr. Grund, on why he was wearing a sweater and collared shirt in 90 degree weather, and why he was reluctant to take them off
"If you don't like nitromethane, just pretend it Raisin Bran or Blueberry Morning or one of your other favorites."~Dr. L
"Are those Anti-Hitler cartoons?"~Dave
"There's no hardcore evidence to support that. They haven't done hardcore research on that yet. There are no hardcore facts on that subject."~Dr. Reyland, on being hardcore
"The Hitler youth was like a peverted boyscouts." ~Dave
"...and you'd say 'I hope your car goes to equilbrium'... those are fighting words and they don't even know it... they'd be like 'hey! what are you talking about?' Ha!"~Dr, L
"It was crap!... Pardon my english."~Dave, just being a Latin man from Cali!
Note: The asterik (*) denotes professors who are just too dang cool to be called Professor this or Doctor that...Dave is Professor Espinosa, Joe is Professor Carroll, and Spence is Dr. Hall.